Holy Random Crackfic Batman!
by teal duck
Summary: A colaboration of short akatski-centric crack stories. This is what you get when you stay up until 2am.  Enjoy.


By tealduck and tellmesomethinplease

AN: This is what you get when tealduck and tellmesomethinplease get together…

Of course, we're always together :P

TMSP is having a little trouble (tmsp: a lot!) getting into his account so he's going hang out with me on my account for a while, just until he gets in again, or makes a new profile.

WARNING: crack, language, awful crack, OOCness, terrible crack, unlinear-ness, just godawful crack, some trashing of certain pairings (one of my favorites too).

Did I mention there was bad crack?

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The akatsuki were sitting around mourning the death of Deidera. All of a sudden, Itachi threw back his chair and screamed at the top of his lungs.

"WHY ARE THERE NO DONUTS IN THE CUPBOARD!"

Of course he was looking in the fridge, that blind son of a bitch.

FIN

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Kakuzu walked into the room, grumbling about their lack of currency.

Suddenly, Deidara screamed at the top of his lungs, "DILDO!"

Prompting Hidan to scream back, "STATUTORY RAPE!"

Kakuzu stared in bewilderment for a moment before yelling, "What the hell are you guys talking about?"

Deidara and Hidan stared at each other before replying, "…Politics?"

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Pain walked into Itachi's room and stared at him in pure hatred.

"Tell me, where is your partner, for I much desire to speak with him."

Itachi glanced up and pointed to the corner of the room…

…at Kisame, swimming gleefully in his tank.

FIN

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Itachi and Deidara were walking down the hallway when all of a sudden Kakuzu jumped out and screamed, "BLOWJOB!"

To which Deidara screamed back, "BUTTSEX!"

To which Itachi replied, "What are you two talking about?"

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Pain and Konan were sitting in their room, pondering their ponderous thoughts.

Suddenly Konan turned to pain and said, "You know, we're together, but I'm made out of paper. Doesn't that mean you have some sort of weird fetish or something?"

To which Pain replied, "Says the necropheliac."

FIN

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Kisame and Itachi were sitting in the kitchen.

Suddenly, Hidan jumped in and yelled, "HYMEN!"

Itachi threw his chair to the side, "GANGBANG!" he screamed.

Kisame blinked slowly, "…what?"

Itachi whirled on him, pointing dramatically, "BESTIALITY!"

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"Tell me, where is your partner, for I much desire to speak with him."

"Tell me, where is your partner, for I much desire to speak with him."

"The tank over in the corner."

"What did you say?"

"The tank over in the corner."

"What did you say?"

"They're taking Madara to Konoha!"

FIN

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Sasori and Kisame were relaxing in the bath.

Suddenly, Deidara burst out of the water, screaming, "MILF!"

Kisame rose up to meet him, "HANDJOB!"

Sasori blinked slowly.

". . . I'll leave you to it then."

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Pain stared at the various incarnations of himself, a mildly perplexed and uneasy expression on his face.

"Konan," he called to the blue haired woman standing behind him, "What would you consider it… if I were to have sex with one of my incarnations?"

Konan slammed her books (which she had specifically for this purpose) down on the table and whipped around to face him.

"What did you say to me earlier!"

Fin

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Zetsu and Sasori were hiding in a tree when suddenly Hidan Star Wars hologram-ified and appeared before them.

"STRAP ON!" he yelled.

"Doggy Style," Sasori replied calmly.

"…you're no fun," Hidan pouted.

"Are you sure? I think I'd prefer Sasori's to yours-_**shut up!**_" Zetsu said.

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Ch.1

"Why, Itachi?" Kisame demanded heatedly, "why… of everyone did you choose her? Why of all people would you choose a medic ninja from Konoha?"

An image of the pink haired girl flashed through Itachi's mind as he replied, "we have a… connection. I know it sounds crazy but every time we met-"

"Uh… haven't you only met like… once?"

"Huh?"

"No… wait, that wasn't actually you, you were just possessing some guy!"

Itachi shook his head wildly, "no, no, no, we met… no she wasn't there either."

"She didn't really start to get a part until _after_ Sasori died."

Itachi stared blankly at the wall, "this-this cannot be right I mean-"

"Just accept it buddy, this is just a crazy fabricated illusion."

"But!" Itachi turned desperate pleading eyes on him, "the fangirls!"

"Will have to focus on something else," Kisame soothed.

"I don't want to think about what that would be."

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Konan and Zetsu were having evening tea, when suddenly, Kisame burst in through the window.

Zetsu jumped up before Kisame could act. "TITS!"

Kisame, caught off guard, yelled back, "BOOBIES!"

"_**MASTURBATION!"**_

"DOUBLE PENETRATION!"

Kisame and Zetsu turned to stare at Konan who had just thrown back her chair in excitement.

"…did I do it right?"

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Ch.2

Sakura picked up her phone.

"Hello?"

"Sakura, I'm breaking up with you."

The line went dead.

"…who was that?"

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Pain and Konan were… well.

When suddenly Itachi charged through the door.

A pause.

"WHAT YOU TWO ARE DOING!" he shouted.

"FUCKING!" Konan yelled back from underneath Pain.

Pain stared in abhorrence, "language."

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Ch.3

Sasuke stared at the computer screen in horror.

"What in the hell is…"

Kisame touched his shoulder soothingly.

"Some are about me too. I'm sorry I caused all this."

FIN

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Orochimaru was lying in his bed in his secret hideout, getting served by his diligent maid, Kabuto.

Suddenly the wall exploded in a thunderous roar.

Itachi and every other member in the Akatsuki stepped through the hole as Kabuto readied himself for battle.

A single swipe of Kisame's sword sent him flying. Unchallenged, Itachi stalked up to Orochimaru and whispered in his ear.

Orochimaru reeled back, a look of stunned realization. He glared at Itachi. "You," he growled. Suddenly he threw back the covers to his bed and stood up to his full height.

"PENIS!" he shrieked.

"PROSTITUTE!" Itachi roared back.

And so it continued as the members of the Akatsuki and Orochimaru screamed vulgarities at each other and Kabuto sat in the corner, looking on and wondering why he had ever worshipped that man.

FIN

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'TIS FINNISHED!


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